


It's the Magical Girl AU Episode!

by wickedtrue



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Female Friendship, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Women Being Awesome, magical girl au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-12
Updated: 2012-10-12
Packaged: 2017-11-16 04:30:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedtrue/pseuds/wickedtrue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sailor Knope strikes a pose.  "I am Sailor Knope, and in the name of the Magical Parks and Public Recreation Enforcement Squad," she takes a deep breath, "I will-- ask you politely to pick up your own garbage and throw it away for you when you don't."</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's the Magical Girl AU Episode!

**Author's Note:**

> Several friends kept saying they would love a magical girl AU of Parks and Rec. And then I went insane and wrote it.

"Hello, I'm Leslie Knope, and I'm the Assistant Director of the Pawnee Magical Parks and Public Recreation Enforcement squad. Knope Local Governmental Power, MAKE UP!"

Leslie manages to knock over her lamp and a bookshelf as she twirls around in a spray of sparkles and glitter. Tom, at his desk, has already opened an umbrella to protect himself and continues playing Tetris on his computer.

Sailor Knope has a big, floppy, pink and black hat that covers most of her eyes, a large pink and black staff with a giant quill on the top ("The better to sign bills into law!" Lelsie proclaims), a giant black tutu over her pink sailor suit, and... white boots. 

Sailor Knope strikes a pose (and takes out another lamp with her staff). "I am Sailor Knope, and in the name of the Magical Parks and Public Recreation Enforcement Squad," she takes a deep breath, "I will-- ask you politely to pick up your own garbage and throw it away for you when you don't."

She giggles and bounces at the camera. "Isn't this great?!"

Tom shakes the glitter off his umbrella and shrugs at the camera.

 

[Opening Theme](http://youtu.be/LVNbnRi8FPg)

 

***

 

Sailor Knope laughs nervously into the camera. Behind her, several police cars have their flashing lights on.

"You see, we sometimes run into a little problem with Sailor Andy--"

Sailor Andy, in his bright purple sailor suit and thigh high boots, shouts, "Hey, come on! Be careful of the bow!" as he is manhandled into the back of a squad car by two warlocks in full black robes.

"--sometimes, parents think his uniform is, ah. A form of indecent exposure! And they then call the Warlock Guards on us."

"Especially when he doesn't wax," Tom adds. Sailor Knope smacks him with her staff. "Oooooow."

 

***

 

"No, I am not a magical 'girl'," Tom explains to the camera using air quotes. Behind him, Sailor Knope is having a conversation with a Warlock Guard, waving about her staff.

"And I'm okay with that. Why? Because I am too stylin' to be losing my pants every time I have to chase down a kid turning squirrels into frogs. I mean, look," he takes a step back and poses ala Justin Timberlake. "Could you stand to hide _this_ under a set of dusty, wrinkly robes?"

"That's it!" Sailor Knope shouts, and the camera focus in on her. "I'm getting Tuxedo Swanson!"

The camera swings back to Tom, who visually pales. "Oh shi--"

 

***

 

Tuxedo Swanson is sitting behind his desk and happily eating from a bucket of BBQ ribs. There is a large pile of bones already on his plate.

"Yes, when Sailor Knope needs me, I do transform. In the privacy of my office. I then order in from Big & Beefy's Magical Man Ribs, and I eat a whole bucket."

"Sailor Knope, and her squad, is perfectly capable of handling every situation herself--"

Sailor Knope kicks in the back office door, gets her staff stuck in the doorway twice, then manages to get herself through after flinging the thing aside. "Tuxedo Swanson, I need you!"

Tuxedo Swanson makes a mournful face into his meat bucket.

 

***

 

"Look, Knope," Chief Thumple rolls up his billowy sleeves and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I like you. But that kid has _got_ to get some magical pants on him, or I'm going to have to really hold him one of these days."

"I know, sir, I know," Sailor Knopes nods her head. "He had some great magical stay up track pants, but the enchanted squirrels got a hold of him again, and you know how the damn flying devils are."

"Damn squirrels," Thumple agrees.

Tuxedo Swanson has removed his cape and wrapped it around Sailor Andy's shoulders as they walk out of jail cells. "Now, what have we talked about before, son?"

"Always carry extra magical stay up track pants," Sailor Andy repeats with a sigh.

"And if you're attacked by enchanted flying squirrels, intent on destroying you?"

"Always try to use my mighty power of belief in myself to convince the squirrels to cease their horrible attack. When that fails, stop, drop, and roll while screaming for help from Sailor Knope."

"Good boy." Tuxedo Swanson pats him on the back just before Sailor Andy is knocked down by a flying dog.

"Champion!" Sailor Andy cuddles his three legged wonder dog (who has a bright red cape). "Who's the greatest wonder dog ever? Yeah, yeah, that's you! Did you sense Daddy was in trouble and came to rescue him?!"

"No." April is sitting at one of the police desks, filling out paperwork. "Bat-Like Guy got himself grabbed for peeping into some lady's house from her tree. Again. I had to come bail him out."

"I was not peeping!" Bat-Like Guy shouts from the cells.

 

***

 

Ben takes off his mask and runs his fingers through his sweaty hair. "No, I don't have any magic. I'm part of the Society of Powerless Super Heroes. We're, ah, working on a better name. But we use technology and intelligence to fight crime."

"Yeah, yeah, and peep in windows!" Several Warlock Guards mock him from their desks.

Ben rolls his eyes. "I got chased up a tree by a bunch of Reasonableists. I stopped them from turning cats into lizard Zorp minions and they...well, they got a little rough."

The Warlock Guards laugh even more.

"Hey, hey! You laugh, but you'll be sorry when those Reasonableists finally turn every cat in this city into a lizard minion for Zorp and recall him from his exile in Limbo!" Ben shouts.

One of the Warlock Guards comes closer to the cell door. "What was that?"

Ben looks down at his boots and scuffs his toe. "Nothing."

The camera switches to one of the Warlock Guards while Ben sits quietly in his cell. "Eh, the Bat Guy? He's pretty harmless.. He's actually good about keeping the kids occupied from doing real stupid stuff, like bringing about the end of the world and stuff. But he can't get himself out of trees. After the third time, we had to start arresting him and charging him bail to get the money back from all the overtime the city had to pay the Magical Fire Brigade."

 

***

 

Sailor Knope and Chief Thumple come around the corner. "Thank you again for your understanding, Chief."

"No problem, Knope. Keep up the good work, keeping those squirrels and Zorper's down." The Chief pauses by April and squints down at her. "I know you."

Sailor Knope and Tuxedo Swanson share a frantic look, and Sailor Knopes lets out a nervous laugh. "Oh, of course you do, Chief! This is April, our intern. She just graduated from our 'Embrace the Light!' program. Didn't you, April? Isn't that great! She'll just be going now." She snatches up April and whispers in her ear, "Get Andy in the car and wait for us; now, now, go."

"Yup, aha!" Sailor Knope claps and manages to knock over a Guard with the tail end of her staff. "So, about bailing out my boyfriend!"

Bat-Like Guy waves apologetically from the cells.

 

***

 

Out by the car, April shrugs. "Yeah, I used to be part of this dark magical girl band, Misdirection. I had blue hair and they called me Jerrica or Tiffany or something. I couldn't sing, but I was really good at unplugging all the other band's equipment or getting them lost on the way to the gig so they couldn't perform."

"Why'd I join the turn to good intern program? Gave me a scholarship for school. And I got tired of the dark magical producers bleaching my hair twice a month."

"I have to do probation interviews once every six months for the next, like, five years to make sure I'm not putting poison in the reservoir or something. I always tell them I'm not."

April smirks at the camera. 

"Now, I'm married to Sailor Andy, and we have a three legged dog named Champion the Wonder Dog. And sometimes, we go out and 'fight crime' with our roommate, the Bat-like Guy."

"And by fight crime, I mean I have to save the two of them from getting stuck in potholes and have bail money ready at all times."

April shrugs. "Apparently, I have a lot of money from all the dark magical music royalties. _I_ wanted to get a killer entertainment center, but Bat-like Guy said we should invest it and keep some of it 'liquid' in case of 'emergencies'." She rolls her eyes while using air quotes.

"April, April!" Sailor Andy comes running back with Champion the Wonder Dog in tow, his borrowed cape flapping in the breeze. "I think we found another hell mouth disguised as a giant pothole! Quick, get the vanishing potions!" And he runs back off into the night, Champion on his heels, flashing the park with his thong as the cape whips behind him.

"No, wait, baby!" April starts to chase after him. "You've got to put your pants on before you fight more hell mouths!"

 

***

 

Sailor Knope smiles rather painfully into the camera, her hair and most of her costume covered in a green slime.

"Thank you for joining us tonight for a day in the life of the Pawnee Magical Parks and Public Recreation Enforcement squad. We have the defeated the latest attempt by the Reasonableists to release Zorp from his exile in Limbo, but sadly, not without casualties."

Sailor Knope swallows and looks compassionately into the camera. "The city of Pawnee would like to express its deep sorrow for the lose of one of your cameramen." 

She brightens, "But, we did do the Friendship Magic Group Hug of Reincarnation, so we're fairly sure he's going to pop up in his hometown just fine in, ah. A few days! --Probably!"

"What am I doing now?" she repeats the question from the interviewer. "Well, I am going to go the hospital and see my best friend, Super Nurse Ann Perkins, the very bestest nurse in the whole wide world. And she'll have to remove some tentacle monster teeth from my ass. Because that's what best friends do, bless her. Then, Bat-like Guy and I are going to go home and have a very nice nap. Isn't that right?" Sailor Knope looks down and kicks at the ground, and Ben can be heard groaning off-screen.

Tuxedo Swanson shouts, "You only got stepped on by a mini-demon horse. Walk it off like a man!"

A long series of car horns sound from the parking lot. The camera swings around as Sailor Knope says, "Hurrah, it's Captain Donna!".

Captain Donna rolls down the window on her SUV tank hybrid, showing off her stars and stripes corset and sparkly anti-bullet bracelets. "Y'all know the drill: you put a trash bag down if you are bleeding, leaking magical fluid, or covered in anything of unknown or known origin. Or you are walking your ass to the hospital."

"Thank you so much, Captain Donna!" Sailor Knope goes in for a hug, but Captain Donna holds up a hand.

"And you are double bagging."

 

***

 

"And so once again, the day is saved thanks to the Pawnee Magical Parks and Public Recreation Enforcement squad!" Sailor Knope jumps and claps for the camera then swiftly stops, hissing in pain. "Oh, damn, my ass!"

"Leslie!" Tuxedo Swanson leans out the front passenger window. "Get in the car before I throw your boyfriend on the roof for his childlike whining."

"I think that mini-demon horse broke something!" Ben shouts. 

"Can we stop by Burgers and Stuff? Champion and I would love some burgers," Sailor Andy pips up.

"Yeah, I need two hotdogs and a milkshake, stat!" April adds.

"No, no, and stop leaking on my car seat!" Captain Donna commands.

Sailor Knope smiles into the camera. "Isn't local government great?"

 

***

 

**Deleted Scene:**

 

The camera is focused on Bat-Like Guy standing in the Magical Parks and Public Recreation Enforcement squad's main office space, recording from inside Leslie Knope's office. 

"Yeah, just keep it right there, right there," Leslie tells the camera. "Donna, go go!"

Captain Donna goes out into the main office area and drops a book in front of Bat-Like Guy. "Oh, clumsy me! Can you get that for me? Damn corsets, don't let me bend."

"Yeah, no problem!" Bat-like Guy bends over, giving the camera a great view of his spandex covered butt. Leslie claps in glee off-camera, and the camera man whips around to view her. 

"No, no!" She makes frantic shooing motions. "Keep it on him!"

The camera turns back around to Bat-Like Guy, but he has stood up straight again and is looking curiously at the camera and Leslie. 

"Is something going on?" he asks.

"No, nothing, everything is entirely professional in here!" Leslie quickly closes the blinds. "Wasn't it great?! I told you! ...Can I get a copy of that recording?"

[Closing credits](http://youtu.be/O0LQV_OQ_Sc)


End file.
